The FBI. J. Edgar Hoover, John Dillinger, Efrem Zimbalist Jr., the Ten Most Wanted. Did he say the FBI? We were in the phone business. We didn’t peddle drugs, kidnap children, or rob mail trucks. The SEC, the FCC, the FTC—okay, maybe. But the FBI? In a way, we were relieved. This was too ridiculous to be real. Time for Jim to check it out.

It’s not easy getting to meet with one of the chiefs of the FBI about a possible ongoing investigation. I know it was well beyond me or my lawyer. On the other hand, after someone has spent decades in Washington, he does acquire powerful friends. And, for friends, the unlikely is sometimes possible.

“So,” the senior FBI official said to Jim, “you want to know if you’re under investigation? Well, I can tell you your ‘Freedom of Information’ form notes no investigation. It usually takes a year to process, but I can get it for you in a week. True, it wouldn’t tell you if there was an ongoing investigation. I suppose you want to know that too. But, of course, I can’t tell you that. I mean, if we did, every mobster would be asking us to confirm no investigation was going on, and if we couldn’t, then they’d know they were being investigated.”

“But we’re not mobsters,” Jim said. “We’re running a public company and somebody is using your agency’s name to ruin us. I think you owe it to us to say whether this is true or if someone is telling lies about what your agency is doing.”

“Look, I just can’t answer that,” the FBI guy, now in a dilemma, protested. “But I’ll tell you what. I can tell you that if we were investigating you, I’d want to talk to you about it.”

“Yes?” Jim asked.

“You hear what I’m saying? If we were investigating you, I’d be talking to you now.”

“And?” Jim asked again.

“And”—the FBI guy smiled—“I have nothing to talk to you about. Do I make myself clear?”

“Would you repeat that to the head of a big investment bank?” Jim asked.

“Depends on who, and only in private. Now, I’m way over the line, but using our name like that? Outrageous! Just outrageous!”

That was enough. Once the FBI itself nixed the rumor, the whole thing started to unravel. Another PI firm the underwriter had hired actually confirmed, in writing, there were no investigations. The states finished their settlement with us without even a fine. Just less than 5K in refunds and a $50,000 donation to the various states’ Internet education funds. We were in the clear, just like that.